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Wolves At The Door


Well-Known Member
Well, I say wolves. I mean people after your money, for any reason. And when I say door, it could be a door or a phone or an email or whatever.
For example:
I just had some spotty gimboid (thank you Red Dwarf) at the door telling me about his campaign to get sign language into schools. All very noble, I thought, and resisted the urge to automatically say "Not interested thanks" and close the door as I normally do to charity workers who should really know that if I was going to hand my bank details over to a charity, it wouldn't be via some gimp at my door wielding a clipboard. He asked if I had children to which I responded "I don't". Then he said "Not getting enough practice, mate?" I smiled. Then I shut the door. Insulting your mark is never the best way to engage them.
Another example is the time one of India's finest rang me up to tell me they could help with my slow Windows PC. Since I don't own one, I decided to play along, correcting him at every turn with little observations like "You don't work for Windows, Windows is a product, you must work for Microsoft, get your lies straight mate" while encouraging him to carry on trying. The call ended when I claimed not to have a CTRL button on my keyboard.
Then there was the time I just made increasingly alarming monkey noises down the phone. That confused the hell out of him!
Anyone else got stories to share along this theme?


Staff member
Ah yes the windows 'support' team.... I had them and I played along for a bit and then got swore at and so they try again the next day lol.
My nans had them too and she doesn't even own a computer :rolleyes:

PPI people usually ring up too... I've now got to the stage where I just go I'm not old enough to have a loan to which they hang up :)


Well-Known Member
The PPI people are normally just a recording for me now. Though before that changed my dad told them he didn't have any loans (which he doesn't) and they seemed genuinely surprised and commented what a perfect life he must have!


Senior Member
It's tricky when someone rings up offering a product or service when I don't know what it is. For example, its tricky to explain why you don't need business dividends insurance when you've never heard of it.
p.s. "not getting enough practice mate". Did he mean wanking?

Sean Lee-Amies

There's nothing more infuriating for me than to pick up the phone and have a pre-recorded message be played to me, telling me that "This is an important message".
We've stopped answering the home phone because of the amount of cold calls we get. Although my dad likes to be the really strange person on the phone, i.e just replying "no" to everything they say. Or answering the phone "Hello Malkin's Crematorium, You kill um, we grill um" ...... Normally the person on the phone will hang up at this point haha!


Staff member
KittiMalkin said:
Or answering the phone "Hello Malkin's Crematorium, You kill um, we grill um" ...... Normally the person on the phone will hang up at this point haha!
I could actually do similar, the local chippie is just 1 digit different so I could pretend I sell fish and chips and ask for their order and delivery address :)

Surprisingly few wrong calls for fish and chips though :)

Wee Jimmy

Senior Member
Well, only friends and family have our landline number, so when an unrecognised one appears I answer whilst holding the phone away and saying "Shut up i'm on the phone, what? What do you mean you've lost you beads?.......what?....as in, right up there?......have you tried fingering them out?" and then hang up
What I really hate is fecking armies of charity workers in the high street, 2 or 3 different charities with 3-6 tabard clad hippy feckers who interrupt the conversation you're having or do that starfish clipboard dance to get in your way and say "Hiiiiiiiiiii" (see: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XeKy2Y42m1k ). My favourite of which are the feckers with big red puffer jackets on who try and walk with you "Have you ever had an injury at work", no, but you just might if you utter another syllable


Staff member
We switched our phone over to Virgin as we were getting loads of calls at all times.
As soon as our line was activated we started getting sales calls for a 'Mr Andrew Bingham'.
The F*kers had given us a second hand number and refused to change it.
I get fed up with it so I got:
Sales Skum: Could I speak to Mr Andrew Bingham please. (thick Indian accent)
Me: I'm afraid Mr Bingham has passed away.
Sales Skum: Really? Oh dear.
Me: Yes. He was seen bumming a fox on the cricket pitch over the lane and was shot by an RSPCA marksman.
Sales Skum: .........................
Me: .....and the sad irony was that the bullet passed right through Andrew instantly killing the fox.
Sales Skum: "Click"