The Joke Thread (DON'T READ IF EASILY OFFENDED)


Claire20

Claire20

New Member
Joke:
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.
Check these jokes, they are funny too:
http://www.elistmania.com/25-dirty-adult-knock-knock-jokes/
 
Mito

Mito

New Member
"oldtimers"
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen," he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down, because you know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream -- I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says... "Where's my toast?
 
R

reshyam

New Member
Hi Guys,
Well come to forum site.We are on the bus when you suddenly realize . We need to fart. The music is really loud, so we time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, we start to feel better as you approach your stop.
Thanks.................................
 
@GCarlD

@GCarlD

Well-Known Member
Hi Guys,
Well come to forum site.We are on the bus when you suddenly realize . We need to fart. The music is really loud, so we time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, we start to feel better as you approach your stop.
Thanks.................................
:ROFLMAO: This is actually cracking me up! It makes absolutely no sense and I find that hilarious! Hahaha
 
S

susan maher

Member
This one went totally over my head. I'm guessing it requires you to pronounce something in an Aussie accent?
I think it is more a social statement regarding sky's monopoly on sports, and using two aspects of society ( Westminster and old people) as examples of two who may have never heard of sky...

You will need an Irish accent for this one :)

..........An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

'Are you sure this is where he fell in'
 
julslundgren00

julslundgren00

New Member
3 drunk guys entered a taxi.

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the
engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We
have reached your destination". The 1st guy
gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank
you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The
driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk
knew what he did. But then he asked "What
was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control
your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"
1f61b.png
 
hankscorpio

hankscorpio

Moderator
Staff member
This guy goes into a pub and enters the toilets, and stands up at the urinal to have a pee. A black man comes in and stands beside him and whips out his lad. The guy looks at the black lads willy and says "Wooooah" the size of your willy...it's huuge!"

The black man says - "well there's as secret to this and I can tell you if you promise not to tell anyone".

"Ok, I really need to know how you got it to be sooo big!"

"Well you get some string, and a brick, tie it around your willy and let it dangle, and it elongates your willy"

The man goes home and gets a string and a brick and ties it around his willy; while he's sleeping it's hanging from the bed, going to work he has bring down his trouser leg, while swimming he's wearing the brick around his willy - everywhere he goes to elongate it.

He goes back to the same pub after a few months and goes into the urinal and as luck would have it the same black man comes through and stands beside him.

The black man asks "How is the willy elongating going"

"Well I think I'm half way there!"

"What do you mean half way there???"

"Hasn't gotten any longer yet... but it's turned black"
 
Top