The Joke Thread (DON'T READ IF EASILY OFFENDED)


printbar

Active Member
Lol. I should probably remember that not everyone is as much of a news junkie as me!

How about this one? Rupert Murdoch bursts into a bar, still covered in shaving foam from getting pied in the select committee. He looks fit to punch someone. The barman, sensing trouble, taps him on the shoulder and says "Alright mate, don't get yourself in a lather."

I'll get my coat, shall I?
 

Stationery Direct

Administrator
Staff member
Our father, who art in prison, my mum knows not his name, thy rioting done, you'll read it in the sun, in Birmingham as it is in London, give us this day our welfare bread & forgive us for Looting, as we forgive those who give ASBOS against us, lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing, for thine is the petrol bomb, the plunder & all its glories, forever and ever, amen.
 

bigdave

Moderator
Staff member
Sadly, the Pope falls ill. The Vatican physician is called but is unable to diagnose the illness, and the Pope worsens. Frantically specialist after specialist is called in and eventually one of them comes out of the Papal chamber and announces he knows a cure................but they're not going to like it.

"That doesn't matter" say the officials, "All that matters is that the Holy Father recovers. So what is the cure?"

"You're really not going to like it," says the specialist, "but the only way for his life to be saved is for him to have vigorous sexual intercourse".

The officials look aghast at each other, and they eventually decide that they should put the solution to the Pope.

One of them volunteers to discuss it and goes into the chamber. After a long while, he emerges, and says "Well, eventually, for the good of the Church, the Holy Father agreed, but subject to certain conditions."

"And what are those conditions?" the others ask.

"Number one is that as his accent is very distinctive, the woman involved must be deaf, so that she cannot recognise his voice."

The officials talk amongst themselves and agree that this is sensible. "What is the next condition?" They ask, and the answer comes back "His Holiness is one of the most famous people on the planet. In addition to her being deaf, she must also be blind so that she cannot see him."

While they think it might be difficult to find a suitable woman, they agree this is a sensible move.

"The third condition is that in addition to the blindness and deafness, she should also be mute, so that in the unlikely event that she does recognise him, she can tell no-one."

Again, the officials think this is going to be difficult to select a suitable woman, but they agree the move makes sense.

"Finally His Holiness has one last stipulation"

The officials look worried wondering what is next. "And what is that?" they ask nervously.

"She has to have massive tits"
 

bigdave

Moderator
Staff member
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and
wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely
confused.

The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting
on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it
depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans
in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary
society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?', asked the couple.

'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied.

'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.
They're just three Irish coalminers. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.
 

Paul Murray

Moderator
Staff member
Saw this on Twitter yesterday. Not exactly a joke, but still made me laught.

"Hey feminists, why the saggy tits?"
 

ARRIVALS

Well-Known Member
Q - How do you make a snooker table laugh?

A - Stick your hand down it's pockets and tickle it's balls.

:icon_blushing:
 

Stationery Direct

Administrator
Staff member
Son says to Father "Dad I'm Gay"

Dad says to second Son "What about you?"

Son says "I'm gay too Dad"

Dad says "Fuck me doesn't anyone in this family like pussy?"

Daughter says "I do"
 

myphil1966

New Member
Joke

My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting dressed to go out when finally she swung open the door and asked "Tell me honestly. Do i look fat in this?". I replied "Yes love, but to be fair, it IS a small bathroom
 

ahcstudio

Member
What is a chav's definition of protected sex?

A bus shelter.



How do you get a chav to wear a condom?

Put a Nike logo on it.
 

Paul Murray

Moderator
Staff member
Have a look at the copy on 19dollarlogos DOT com if you really want a laugh. FACT!

FACT 1: In the majority of cases the initial logo idea is usually the best.
FACT 2: The more revisions you make, the less professional the result is
 

Tony Hardy

Well-Known Member
I know this is horrendous, but it made me laugh, good old Jimmy Carr.

"How do you make a gay man fuck a woman?"
"Shit in her cunt."
 
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