Lol. I should probably remember that not everyone is as much of a news junkie as me!
How about this one? Rupert Murdoch bursts into a bar, still covered in shaving foam from getting pied in the select committee. He looks fit to punch someone. The barman, sensing trouble, taps him on the shoulder and says "Alright mate, don't get yourself in a lather."
Our father, who art in prison, my mum knows not his name, thy rioting done, you'll read it in the sun, in Birmingham as it is in London, give us this day our welfare bread & forgive us for Looting, as we forgive those who give ASBOS against us, lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing, for thine is the petrol bomb, the plunder & all its glories, forever and ever, amen.
Sadly, the Pope falls ill. The Vatican physician is called but is unable to diagnose the illness, and the Pope worsens. Frantically specialist after specialist is called in and eventually one of them comes out of the Papal chamber and announces he knows a cure................but they're not going to like it.
"That doesn't matter" say the officials, "All that matters is that the Holy Father recovers. So what is the cure?"
"You're really not going to like it," says the specialist, "but the only way for his life to be saved is for him to have vigorous sexual intercourse".
The officials look aghast at each other, and they eventually decide that they should put the solution to the Pope.
One of them volunteers to discuss it and goes into the chamber. After a long while, he emerges, and says "Well, eventually, for the good of the Church, the Holy Father agreed, but subject to certain conditions."
"And what are those conditions?" the others ask.
"Number one is that as his accent is very distinctive, the woman involved must be deaf, so that she cannot recognise his voice."
The officials talk amongst themselves and agree that this is sensible. "What is the next condition?" They ask, and the answer comes back "His Holiness is one of the most famous people on the planet. In addition to her being deaf, she must also be blind so that she cannot see him."
While they think it might be difficult to find a suitable woman, they agree this is a sensible move.
"The third condition is that in addition to the blindness and deafness, she should also be mute, so that in the unlikely event that she does recognise him, she can tell no-one."
Again, the officials think this is going to be difficult to select a suitable woman, but they agree the move makes sense.
"Finally His Holiness has one last stipulation"
The officials look worried wondering what is next. "And what is that?" they ask nervously.
My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting dressed to go out when finally she swung open the door and asked "Tell me honestly. Do i look fat in this?". I replied "Yes love, but to be fair, it IS a small bathroom