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The Joke Thread (DON'T READ IF EASILY OFFENDED)


Stationery Direct

Administrator
Staff member
#1
Thought this thread may help to cheer us up at the end of a long week, if you need cheering up that is.

If you have a joke then add it below...

I'll start


Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the cord on their tampons with tinsel...

...this will be for the Christmas period only.
 
#4
A Christmas Story...

A CHRISTMAS STORY

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys
as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where to.
More Stress!
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot
of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of
little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree fat man?"
And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the
Christmas tree.

:icon_blushing:
 
#5
My New Parrot

My New Parrot
Recently I received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot,
I quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"
 

Xenonsoft

Active Member
#6
A CHRISTMAS STORY

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys
as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where to.
More Stress!
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot
of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of
little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree fat man?"
And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the
Christmas tree.

:icon_blushing:
Very good :icon_biggrin:
 
#10
You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod..
 
#11
One for the mac peeps...

A French maid was tidying up for a wealthy computer whiz. She commented that he had a nice PC. He looked frustrated and said, "Yeah, it's top of the line, but I can't seem to get any programs to start up. You wouldn't happen to know how these gizmos work, do you?"
She replied, "I'm sorry monsieur, I would love to help you, but oh la la, I don't do Windows!"
 
#12
Frekin hilarious people or I’m not sure if it’s the time and I’m getting sleepy when I check out this chill forums, they always turn out to be better than I expected.
keep 'em coming!
 

Stationery Direct

Administrator
Staff member
#13
Apple announced today the development of a microchip that can be implanted into a woman's breast and play music.

The i-tit will cost £399 and is regarded as a major breakthrough as women are always moaning that men just stare at their tits and never listen to them!
 
#15
I call these.... Dad jokes.

What do you call a man that hates plumbers?

A Radihater

There were two letters of the alphabet standing in the showers. There was a bit of a row as one was bragging he had more to offer to women in the downstairs. The other one started to punch the other man.

Turns out, it was a jealousC

That's all, I don't want to lose anymore credibility.