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Police Email


Senior Member
From another forum;

> Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
> Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin
> police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the
> idea and try e-mailing you instead.
> Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your
> colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija
> As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments
> (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just
> off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.
> Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a
> football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This
> causes an
> earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.
> This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring
> system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
> The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through
> several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone
> thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a
> saw and is setting about a
> discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.
> I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited
> attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between
> the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow off their own
> arms and legs then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go
> so far as to lend them some matches.
> Unfortunately, they are far more likely to blow up half the street and I've
> just finished decorating the kitchen.
> What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless
> assurances that 'the matter is being looked into and will be dealt
> with', why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath
> night) when
> there are no mutants around, then drive up the street in a Panda car
> before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will, of
> course, serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen
> actually look like.
> I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of those
> throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month
> head start before coming to arrest me.
> I remain your obedient servant
> ???????
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> Mr ??????,
> I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the
> problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you
> have encountered in trying to contact the police.
> As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend
> an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
> Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details
> (address / telephone number) and when may be a suitable time.
> Regards
> PC ???????
> Community Beat Officer
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> Dear PC ???????
> First of all, I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my
> original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for
> Bodmin Police Station. Rest assured that I will forward these details
> to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.
> Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat
> Officer.
> May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the
> five or
> so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent I have never seen you. Do
> you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated
> the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on
> his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash basin? It's surely
> only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.
> Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking
> place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being a
> Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a
> policeman to explain (using
> words of no more than two syllables) to these twats that they might
> want to
> play their strange football game elsewhere.
> The pitch on Fairpark Road or the one at Priory Park are both within
> spitting distance of this road, as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter
> being the preferred option, especially if the tide is in.
> Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free
> to contact me on <???????>. If, after 25 minutes, I have still failed
> to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
> Regards
> ?????????
> P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you
> don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!