Print Reseller Scheme
  1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Police Email

Discussion in 'Chill Out Forum:' started by CSparkes, Nov 25, 2009.

  1. CSparkes

    CSparkes Senior Member

    From another forum;

    > Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
    >
    > Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin
    > police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the
    > idea and try e-mailing you instead.
    >
    > Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your
    > colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija
    board.
    >
    > As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments
    > (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just
    > off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.
    >
    > Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a
    > football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This
    > causes an
    > earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.
    > This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring
    > system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
    >
    > The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through
    > several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone
    > thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a
    > saw and is setting about a
    > discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.
    >
    > I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited
    > attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between
    > the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow off their own
    > arms and legs then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go
    > so far as to lend them some matches.
    >
    > Unfortunately, they are far more likely to blow up half the street and I've
    > just finished decorating the kitchen.
    >
    > What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless
    > assurances that 'the matter is being looked into and will be dealt
    > with', why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath
    > night) when
    > there are no mutants around, then drive up the street in a Panda car
    > before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will, of
    > course, serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen
    > actually look like.
    >
    > I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of those
    > throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month
    > head start before coming to arrest me.
    >
    > I remain your obedient servant
    > ???????
    >
    > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Mr ??????,
    >
    > I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the
    > problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you
    > have encountered in trying to contact the police.
    >
    > As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend
    > an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
    >
    > Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details
    > (address / telephone number) and when may be a suitable time.
    >
    > Regards
    > PC ???????
    > Community Beat Officer
    >
    > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Dear PC ???????
    > First of all, I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my
    > original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for
    > Bodmin Police Station. Rest assured that I will forward these details
    > to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.
    >
    > Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat
    > Officer.
    >
    > May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the
    > five or
    > so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent I have never seen you. Do
    > you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated
    > the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on
    > his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash basin? It's surely
    > only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.
    >
    > Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking
    > place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being a
    > Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a
    > policeman to explain (using
    > words of no more than two syllables) to these twats that they might
    > want to
    > play their strange football game elsewhere.
    >
    > The pitch on Fairpark Road or the one at Priory Park are both within
    > spitting distance of this road, as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter
    > being the preferred option, especially if the tide is in.
    >
    > Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free
    > to contact me on <???????>. If, after 25 minutes, I have still failed
    > to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
    >
    > Regards
    > ?????????
    >
    > P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you
    > don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!
     
  2. Harry

    Harry Senior Member

    I wrote a mail like that to my landlord once :D
     
  3. Renniks

    Renniks Senior Member

    Love the P.S and only wish could read that / follow up emails haha :D
     
  4. Kevin

    Kevin Senior Member

    First-class complaint :lol:
     
  5. tim

    tim Senior Member

    had me and my college friend in stitche s:p
     
  6. sarah

    sarah Member

    That's amazing. Did you actually write that? Or was it found on the net somewhere?

    Edit: just saw what you put above
     
  7. glenwheeler

    glenwheeler Senior Member

    haha comedy, Ill save that as a complaint template.
     

Share This Page