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Police Email

Discussion in 'Chill Out Forum:' started by CSparkes, Nov 25, 2009.

  1. CSparkes

    CSparkes Senior Member

    From another forum;

    > Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
    >
    > Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin
    > police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the
    > idea and try e-mailing you instead.
    >
    > Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your
    > colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija
    board.
    >
    > As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments
    > (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just
    > off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.
    >
    > Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a
    > football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This
    > causes an
    > earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.
    > This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring
    > system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
    >
    > The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through
    > several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone
    > thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a
    > saw and is setting about a
    > discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.
    >
    > I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited
    > attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between
    > the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow off their own
    > arms and legs then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go
    > so far as to lend them some matches.
    >
    > Unfortunately, they are far more likely to blow up half the street and I've
    > just finished decorating the kitchen.
    >
    > What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless
    > assurances that 'the matter is being looked into and will be dealt
    > with', why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath
    > night) when
    > there are no mutants around, then drive up the street in a Panda car
    > before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will, of
    > course, serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen
    > actually look like.
    >
    > I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of those
    > throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month
    > head start before coming to arrest me.
    >
    > I remain your obedient servant
    > ???????
    >
    > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Mr ??????,
    >
    > I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the
    > problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you
    > have encountered in trying to contact the police.
    >
    > As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend
    > an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
    >
    > Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details
    > (address / telephone number) and when may be a suitable time.
    >
    > Regards
    > PC ???????
    > Community Beat Officer
    >
    > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Dear PC ???????
    > First of all, I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my
    > original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for
    > Bodmin Police Station. Rest assured that I will forward these details
    > to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.
    >
    > Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat
    > Officer.
    >
    > May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the
    > five or
    > so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent I have never seen you. Do
    > you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated
    > the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on
    > his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash basin? It's surely
    > only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.
    >
    > Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking
    > place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being a
    > Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a
    > policeman to explain (using
    > words of no more than two syllables) to these twats that they might
    > want to
    > play their strange football game elsewhere.
    >
    > The pitch on Fairpark Road or the one at Priory Park are both within
    > spitting distance of this road, as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter
    > being the preferred option, especially if the tide is in.
    >
    > Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free
    > to contact me on <???????>. If, after 25 minutes, I have still failed
    > to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
    >
    > Regards
    > ?????????
    >
    > P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you
    > don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!
     
  2. Harry

    Harry Senior Member

    I wrote a mail like that to my landlord once :D
     
  3. Renniks

    Renniks Senior Member

    Love the P.S and only wish could read that / follow up emails haha :D
     
  4. Kevin

    Kevin Senior Member

    First-class complaint :lol:
     
  5. tim

    tim Senior Member

    had me and my college friend in stitche s:p
     
  6. sarah

    sarah Member

    That's amazing. Did you actually write that? Or was it found on the net somewhere?

    Edit: just saw what you put above
     
  7. glenwheeler

    glenwheeler Senior Member

    haha comedy, Ill save that as a complaint template.
     

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