From another forum; > Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service, > > Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin > police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the > idea and try e-mailing you instead. > > Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your > colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board. > > As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments > (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just > off St Mary's Road in Bodmin. > > Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a > football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This > causes an > earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. > This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring > system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon. > > The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through > several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone > thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a > saw and is setting about a > discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills. > > I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited > attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between > the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow off their own > arms and legs then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go > so far as to lend them some matches. > > Unfortunately, they are far more likely to blow up half the street and I've > just finished decorating the kitchen. > > What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless > assurances that 'the matter is being looked into and will be dealt > with', why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath > night) when > there are no mutants around, then drive up the street in a Panda car > before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will, of > course, serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen > actually look like. > > I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of those > throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month > head start before coming to arrest me. > > I remain your obedient servant > ??????? > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Mr ??????, > > I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the > problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you > have encountered in trying to contact the police. > > As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend > an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. > > Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details > (address / telephone number) and when may be a suitable time. > > Regards > PC ??????? > Community Beat Officer > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Dear PC ??????? > First of all, I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my > original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for > Bodmin Police Station. Rest assured that I will forward these details > to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book. > > Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat > Officer. > > May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the > five or > so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent I have never seen you. Do > you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated > the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on > his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash basin? It's surely > only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama. > > Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking > place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being a > Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a > policeman to explain (using > words of no more than two syllables) to these twats that they might > want to > play their strange football game elsewhere. > > The pitch on Fairpark Road or the one at Priory Park are both within > spitting distance of this road, as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter > being the preferred option, especially if the tide is in. > > Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free > to contact me on <???????>. If, after 25 minutes, I have still failed > to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub. > > Regards > ????????? > > P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you > don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!