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New List of Appropriate Language For Work


Active Member
Found this online somewhere and thought it was a laugh. Please only read if you are over 18.

It has been brought to the Management's attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated.

The management does, however, realize the importance of each person being able to express their feelings when communicating with their fellow employees. Therefore, the management has compiled the following coded list. It is imperative that all employees understand and memorize these code phrases so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.

Old Phrase: No ****ing way!

New Phrase: I'm not certain that's possible.

Old Phrase: You've got to be ****ting me.

New Phrase: Really?

Old Phrase: Tell someone who gives a ****.

New Phrase: Perhaps you should check with...

Old Phrase: Ask me if I give a ****.

New Phrase: Of course I'm concerned.

Old Phrase: It's not my ****ing problem.

New Phrase: I wasn't involved in the project.

Old Phrase: What the ****...?

New Phrase: Interesting behavior.

Old Phrase: **** it. It won't work.

New Phrase: I'm not sure I can implement this.

Old Phrase: Why the **** didn't they tell me this sooner?

New Phrase: I'll try to schedule that.

Old Phrase: When the **** do they expect me to do this?

New Phrase: Perhaps I can work late.

Old Phrase: Who the **** cares?

New Phrase: Are you sure it's a problem?

Old Phrase: Eat ****.

New Phrase: You don't say.

Old Phrase: Eat **** and die.

New Phrase: Excuse me?

Old Phrase: Eat **** and die, mother****er.

New Phrase: Excuse me, sir?

Old Phrase: What the **** do they want from me?

New Phrase: They weren't happy with it.

Old Phrase: Kiss my ass.

New Phrase: So you'd like my help with it.

Old Phrase: **** it, I'm on salary
New Phrase: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

Old Phrase: Shove it up your ass.

New Phrase: I don't think you understand.

Old Phrase: This job sucks.

New Phrase: I love a challenge.

Old Phrase: Who the hell died and made you boss?

New Phrase: You want me to take care of that?

Old Phrase: Blow me.

New Phrase: I see.

Old Phrase: Blow yourself.

New Phrase: Do you see?

Old Phrase: Another ****ing meeting

New Phrase: Yes, I think we should discuss this.

Old Phrase: I don't really give a ****.

New Phrase: I don't think it will be a problem.

Old Phrase: He's ****ing retarded.

New Phrase: He's confused.