1. Joe Kinnear will be sacked as Toon manager after losing to managerless Sunderland and is replaced by Cheryl Cole. 2. Ashley Cole refuses to sign for Newcastle stating "he can't stand grating Geordie voices." 3. Cheryl Cole wants to sign Dianne Vickers and Ruth Lorenzo, as centre backs, but Man City offer Â£60million and Hong Kong to get the pair. 4. Google takes over the Earth on Saturday 17th July, 9.46 pm GMT. 5. Simon Cowell buys it back on Sunday 18th July, 10.28 pm GMT. 6. Cheryl Cole wants to sign Pele. Man City step in and offer Â£80million, Bulgaria and the Ozone Layer. 7. Britain's Got Talent ends it 26 week run on TV. A fat guy wins 8. Man City buy him too. 9. The Pound drops to 0.10 Euro. Britain is invaded by half of Europe who camp overnight and besiege TK Maxx and Primark. 10. Man City start negotiations to buy the Pound. 11. Jordans new TV show - The Katie Price is Right is axed after 3 episodes after the viewing public switch off and ITV admit to making a big boobie 12. Dragon Den and business magnet Theo Paphitis submits audacious bid to buy the Monarchy to launch a global high street franchise. 13. Man City cease negotiations to buy the Pound- and so starts the prolonged 'Monarchy Wars' 14. Simon Cowell buys the TV rights and the public start telephone votes to decide the winner. 154. Simon Cowell subsequently buys the Monarchy with the proceeds - the Christmas single is expected to be No.1. 16. A new Doctor Who is unveiled, Jonathan Ross is delighted to be back on television again. 17. Google buy Televison. 18. Doctor Who is pulled after 3 episodes after the Daleks refuse to perform with Ross after an incident involving Superglue, a Golden Retriever, 12 heavy elastic bands and a black bin liner. 19. The Matrix is remade starring Adam Sandler as Neo, Cheryl Cole as Trinity, Omar Barrack as Morpheus and Jose Mourinho as Mr Smith. 20. The EU ban the use of any pencils containing lead. 21. To curb spiraling costs, the London Olympics are transferred to the XBox Live format. Athletes will compete online. Britain's new breed of young athlete are tipped to scoop Golds. 22. Police speed cameras are linked with Facebook and Speedbooked is launched. 23. Marks & Spencers launch the Amy Winehouse range. 24. Tesco's is voted the most popular UK holiday destination. 25. The EU ban 'White Lines' on all public roads after a complaints that their existence is deemed discriminatory. 26. The EU send out a public tender to Design agencies throughout Europe to create the colour Neutral. 27. Ronaldo finally leaves Manchester United and joins Real Madrid. 28. Man City buys Real Madrid and subsequently move the BernabÃ©u into the City of Manchester Stadium - Ronaldo isn't happy and seeks a move 800 metres back to Man Utd. 29. Cheryl Cole has her first and only win of the season as Newcastle win Strictly Come Dancing in a tense final showdown against Stephen Hawkins and Michealangelo's 'David'. 30. Google closes down the World by switching off on Friday 26th November 11.58pm.