The Joke Thread (DON'T READ IF EASILY OFFENDED)

[Boss Hog]

Thought this thread may help to cheer us up at the end of a long week, if you need cheering up that is.

If you have a joke then add it below...

I'll start


Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the cord on their tampons with tinsel...

...this will be for the Christmas period only.

[Boss Hog]

Saw a sign at the hospital that said "Family Planning.... Use Rear Entrance" I thought it was good advice.

[Pixels Ink]

Just got an advent calender from Woolies, all the windows are boarded up and there's bugger all inside

[MarkS]

A CHRISTMAS STORY

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys
as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where to.
More Stress!
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot
of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of
little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree fat man?"
And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the
Christmas tree.

[MarkS]

My New Parrot
Recently I received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot,
I quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

[Xenonsoft]

A CHRISTMAS STORY

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys
as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where to.
More Stress!
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot
of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of
little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree fat man?"
And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the
Christmas tree.

Very good

[Boss Hog]

50,000 Israeli Troops have this morning entered Jordan.

Early reports say she is tired and her a**e is sore but she will soldier on!

[Timmo]

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Little Boy Blue
Little Boy Blue Who?
Michael Jackson

[Pixels Ink]

What does a Catholic Priest and a pint of Guinness have in common?

Black coat, white collar and god help your arse if you get a dodgy one.

[MarkS]

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod..